The real horror movies:

Colic. The gas, the screaming, the car seat next to the dryer: You've never seen – or heard – anything more frightening. And even if it's not colic, it could be.

First-Year Molars. Springing sharp and angry from their gummy pink nests, these enameled fear mongers leave chewed-up bagels and inconsolable crying in their wake.

Projectile Spit-up. Forget locusts and hailstorms, these sour puddles shoot down from above, and nothing – not cashmere sweaters, not Persian carpets, not the vulnerable, freshly scrubbed flesh of people's necks – is spared.

Dawn of the Laundry. A terrifying heap of stinking t-shirts and burp cloths multiplies overnight and rampages through an innocent household.

Germs! Quake with fear while strangers cough into baby's face; watch in dread as baby contracts impetigo from "well-baby" checkup; shiver at the very sound of the word coxsackie.